February 6th, 2007


Higgly Town Heroes

One of the more recent entries into the Making Useless People Feel Special Hall of Fame is the Playhouse Disney show "Higgly Town Heroes". (fricken Dan Quayle anyway...)

This show is based entirely on the presumption that everyone is a hero. Fricken everyone. From the gimp down the block who successfully managed to pick his nose that morning all the way up to the guy who tossed his fat ass on a dirty nuke to save the 400 screaming kids at the local orphanage from no longer needing a night-light. The trick is that 90% of the time, the story is about the gimp, not the actual hero.

Serious and honest examples of this show are things like: (these are straight from the episode guide here)

Twinkle Tooth: A plumber recovers Twinkle's tooth from the drain.
Flower Power: A gardener teaches the kids about plant care.
First Snow: Kip's grandma knits the kids new winter clothes.
All Tire'd Out: On the way to the beach, the car has a flat tire.
Smooth Opeator: An operator helps Grandpa find Aunt Susie's phone number.
Stinky Situation: A garbage collector helps the kids clean up.

I mean seriously people... what the fuck?  These are heroes?  The actions of a man recovering a tooth from a sink is to be deemed heroic?  Holy shit balls with ice cream.

Let's look up hero for a moment, shall we?   Maybe I'm really giving heroes way too much credit here and these people are just as good as the dude absorbing a nuke in the name of 400 kids getting to live to be adopted... lessee...

A quick search defines a hero as: (some examples)

  • a man distinguished by exceptional courage and nobility and strength; "RAF pilots were the heroes of the Battle of Britain" 
  • a being of great strength and courage celebrated for bold exploits; often the offspring of a mortal and a god
  • a large sandwich made of a long crusty roll split lengthwise and filled with meats and cheese (and tomato and onion and lettuce and condiments); different names are used in different sections of the United States

Ok, well presupposing that Disney didn't intend for me to associate the janitor with a large sandwich... well, unless we were working with a toilet and not a sink, but this is a kids show ya?... I have to assume that we're trying to liken these people to something quite a bit more significant than saving a tooth from a drain.

Great. So what we're telling my kids today is that not only is it OK to choose an life-long career as a McDonalds Food Manufacturing Engineer (previously known as "fricken pimply-ass grease-ball useless burger-flipping tard-monkey"), but that they are actually our HERO for saving us from the utter crushing malace of not being able to ram greasy death on a bun into our gullet.

Our culture is all about this crap- lowering the expectations of the extraordinary so that everyone can feel special and important.  It's a fricken retarded and useless behavior that sets people up for failure and dissapointment in later life, creates a culture of entitlement and demanded special treatment and just generally breeds a bunch of retards that I think need to be shoved into a dark cave, filled to 5' high with soggy oatmeal that has one source of light which is a blinking neon sign that says "life isnt fair... yer not special... get over it...  you fucktard."

What's more is this is an amplification of an already existing problem.  Prior to this particular little facet of degeneration of an ideal, came a less intense version... there was this behavior (mainly due to the stupid assinine media) of assigning the title Hero to anyone who filled a particular role.  If yer a firefighter, yer a hero... if yer a soldier, yer a hero.  NOT.  Hero is NOT a job classification, people... it is a distinction that goes above and beyond the job.  I can be a firefighter and live out my entire life not actually being a hero, right?  RIGHT?  If I spend my entire life putting out fires in abandoned buildings from 200' away in a fire-proof bunker on top of a truck, I'm not being too heroic.  Am I filling my job function?  Sure.  A very critical one?  Absolutely.  Am I a hero?  No.

One more comment... dying does not make you a hero, ok?  I again use the firefighter example because I see it come up a lot.  Is dying in a fire tragic?  Absolutely.  Does it make me a hero?  No.  I'll go out on a limb here, too, and say that there's a damned good chance that if you died in a fire yer either a fucking moron, or massively unlucky, or both.  Heroic?  Dunno.  Did you crash in there and save the lives of a person or two before buying it?  Then yes.  Yer a hero.  Congrats. Otherwise, maybe not.  Get over it.  

Oh and to the media- shut the hell up you lousy bastards.  Burn in hell.  Yer destroying society every goddamned day.  I hate the media, but thats a rant for another day.

If you want to be a McDonalds employee, Janitor, whatever... that's fine.  If that's all you can really do or do well, that's also fine.  There is nothing wrong with doing what you can do, and perhaps even doing it well.  However, elevating these people to the level of hero just to either amplify their feelings of self-worth or otherwise make them feel like they are special is not only retarded and self-destructive, but it needlessly degenerates the truly heroic contributions of others.

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