For those who care, I will now be posting at:

http://www.wickedtiki.com/journal

You know, I've never been a real fan of panic.  When someone comes into my office and says "The servers are all down!  The websites are dead!  No one can get to their files!"  I go, "hoo... that's bad. <chuckle>" and get up and go find someone to deal with it.  Is it urgent?  Certainly.  We need to get right on it, but running around freaking out really doesn't accomplish much more than freaking other people out.

Here's a hint: freaked out people don't work well.  They run around, crashing into walls, causing mayhem.  Hell, usually freaked out people will break far more than they fix.

Here's another hint: it is possible to communicate urgency without causing panic.  It is also possible to act out of a sense or urgency without needing to be paniced.

Unfortunately, however, that's one of those things that fall within my "5th Degree of Complexity" thing... the stuff that's "hard" to do properly, and frankly the stuff that not that many people can handle.  This, however, is an entry for another day... back ot my panic thing.

Let's say you're going to engage in combat.  So consider for a moment which you would rather have:

1. The PANIC guy, who runs around screaming in alarm because bullets and mortars are flying.  He fires off shots randomly, probably manages to take out a couple of the people on your side, and maybe accidentally tosses a grenade into your munitions dump.

or

2. The CALM guy, who patiently lights up his stogey, suits up in body armor, steps calmly and grimly into the battlefield and unloads his chain gun into the enemy with a big grin on his face?

Me, I'd vote for the latter guy.

Oh and you also have to love how I just compared myself to like some crazy action movie hero. :)

So global warming has suddenly become the new fad.  I'm not entirely sure why it clicked, but I believe there was recently some report that came out that had some disparaging things to say, combined with people watching The Day After or whatever the hell that movie was, and then for whatever reason the media is reporting more on bad storms.  Poof!  Instant doom terror!

Well, whatever the reason, fine... global warming.  Sounds bad, I suppose, right?  Ice caps melting and all that?  Turn my inland home into waterfront property and all that.  Bad, right?

Well, wait a minute... is it?  I guess the people in Boston and LA will be fairly screwed, but if I suddenly get waterfront property, that's not all bad is it?  Hmm... interesting.  'course now there is this element of new deserts possibly forming... well, that seems kind of bad, but then there's also reports of growing seasons expanding and new produces being available in new areas because of the increase in temp.  Hmm..

But anyway, let's just kind of accept for purposes of this rambling point that these things are, in summary, bad.  Let's move on from there.

So, what then?

Well, reduce greenhouse gasses of course.  That's been in our face for quite some time now... at least 20 years worth that I am aware of, which probably means its been known for at least 20 years before that.

Ok, so good, so let's start focusing on some alternatives.  How about biodiesel?  Perfect!  That reduces the greenhouse gasses by burning processed crop materials into fuels that our cars use.

But wait... shit, corn suddenly got kinda expensive.  Oh noes!  Cows eat corn?  Is that why our beef prices are suddenly starting to go up?  Now what?  Well, obviously, we need to make corn cheaper so we need to start specializing in it and mass-producing it.  But wait... in order to specialize, we must centralize, and therefore there is more shipping... shipping burns more fuel, thus depricating the benefit of doing it this way to begin with!  Ack!

Ok, ok ok... I know...

What we need to do is bring our needs to a more localized community.  In fact, we need to create small cells of people who work/eat/live all in the same small area.  They get all their needs from what surrounds them, and if they can't do it, they just kinda deal.  Now we're being very efficient in small groups and our output of gasses is quite low.  Relatively less waste as well.  You know, kinda like a small self-sustaining farm or farm community.

But gee, that seems kinda stifling, doesn't it?

Well, maybe we'll just make a quick trip across the state for the day to visit a cultural gathering and share thoughts and ideas.  And oh hey, they have some lovely food here... man, I wonder how we could arrange to get some of this stuff where we are.  Oh hey, look, they don't have wheat here... I wonder if they would be interested in establishing some kind of trade?  You know, we could probably schedule it on a regular basis to make the process more efficient.

Yeah.

Screwed.

Human beings are pre-programmed to self-destruction of our race, and the only saving possibility is that they expand beyond the confines of Earth space so that they can continue to massively alter other worlds in their insatiable desire to expand.  Note I didn't say "destroy" here, but that's a discussion for another day.

I mean really tough.

Certainly, all kids are different and some people have it easy, but to some degree it's not even just the kid, it's the fact that you will be raising your kid(s) with another person who may (will) have some different viewpoints on things than you.  Even if you are relatively well aligned, the natural emotions that come out of dealing with your offspring combined with other potential stresses, unexpected behaviors in the kid, and reduced amounts of sleep and free time all combine in this horrid foul-smelling sticky mire that just soaks your entire life and complicates everything.

Oh yes, sure, they're cute and wonderful and all that.  Fine.  They are not, however "Bundles of joy" or "God's gift to parents" or any of that other sappy crap you always hear about.  They are growing, thriving, independent thinking, stuboorn, selflish little monsters that are doing everything they can to push every boundry they have to see how much they can grow and what they need to do to try to get around each and every limitation or roadblock you put in their way.  Even if that roadblock happens to be the one that keeps them from wandering into twelve lanes of 120 MPH traffic.

By and large, no one will tell you this.  I'm not certain why, but I think it boils down to either:

a. Parents don't want to admit to themselves that having kids sucks ass so they put on a shiny smily face and talk about how they and their wives have never been happier.  That the long days of hanging out with your buddies drinking beer and watching the game, followed by long passionate evenings of uninterupted sex and sleeping in the following morning until ... oh, one or two... you really don't remember anymore... are things that they don't miss much.

b. Parents figure they have it bad, so why the fuck shouldn't you suffer too?

c. There is some kind of cultural thing going on where parents are terrified to admit that it's hard because then they will somehow be labeled as a freak or a failure.

I honestly think that a and c are both a factor.  A sick part of me would like to believe b, but I tend to doubt it.  It's probably a and c to varying degrees with different people.  But why c?

I mean, seriously... did we all go to "having kids" training?  Did we get to have a trial period?  A demo?  Did we get to play with the shareware kid for a couple of months and then put it back on the shelf realizing we weren't ready to use it yet?  NO.  We went from single and totally free to bound to a helpless needful thing in a matter of hours.  We were scurried out of the hospital after a couple days, and boom.  You're on your own.  Good luck!

Please be clear.  I love my children.  I would not give them up for anything.  However, having and raising kids is the single hardest thing in the world to do, and there is absolutely no real prep for it, and in truth there really can't be, because the cruel punchline is that everyone's situation is so different, that anecdotal advice and information can only be partially helpful in a small set of circumstances.

So here's the single best piece of advice I can give you... having kids... very hard.  Take whatever you thought was the hardest thing you ever did, multiply it by 10,000x and then pick the worst day you ever had with your spouse or SO and assume that you have to do that hard thing 365 days a year with essentially no breaks, while your spouse is as pissed at you as she was that day for at least 1/2 of the time.  Figure on not having had sex for about a month, and probably not having had more than 5 hours of sleep on average over the entire course of that year.  Figure on having about 50% less money than you have right now and approximately 2-3 hours a day max that you can call absolutely and exclusively yours to do whatever you want.  All other time is reserved for the above conflict.  Now interject one very cute and winning iceberg-melting smile or giggle from your charges every 4 hours or so.

That about sums it up.

Please take it seriously, as I am being very honest.

Being a PC-savvy friend (PCSV) can be somewhat challenging.  Mind you, this isn't a "whah, boo hoo" kind of thing, it's merely a reflection on some of the behaviors I see as a PCSV.

Computers have really become omni-present nowadays.  With easy to use and relatively robust operating systems such as Windows XP, a general level of maturity in the PC space in both hardware and software, really inexpensive offerings in the hardware space, and the proliferation of fast internet connections, it's pretty easy for anyone to grab and own a computer.

This means that everyone has them.  I mean literally for a couple hundred dollars you can have a used decent machine, and just a couple hundred more gets you a new one.  That's just staggering given that even just a few years back they were $600-1000, and a few years before that they were essentially double.

The problem is that despite their appearance of simplicity, computers are just as complicated (and arguably far more complicated) as they ever were.  

Also because of this seemingly friendly exterior, people are very comfortable simply grabbing whatever programs they see on the internet or in stores and just installing them as easily as they might stick a piece of fruit in the refrigerator.  Why not?  It looks about the same and its available, so it must work, right?

What's more is that because they appear to be simple, fewer people really need to understand how they work and how to fix them in order to have and use them.  This means that when these machines do break, these people are pretty much helpless.

All of this is creates this super-heated pot of doom, just waiting for the right moment to froth over and splash all over the face of the user.  When it does, who do they call?  Well, me, of course... their PCSF!  (obviously figuratively here... not everyone knows me but almost everyone has their own PCSF.)

Now generally speaking the nature of a PCSF is to help people.  We love it.  We like fixing the machines, and we enjoy strutting our technical godlike powers in front of our friends (esp. the ones who make fun of us, or even better the exceptionally hot ones who are required by law to have sex with us afterwards.)  Lately, however, despite the lure of accolades and freaky charisma-tier-skipping-sex, there has been a sharp drop off of PCSF who are willing to put their god-like powers out on the shingle.  Why?

Simply stated, you non PCSFs have been thrashing us and we're getting kind of tired of the whole affair.

Some examples of what I see happening:

1. Non-PCSFs tend to treat their PCSFs as hired hands.  It's kind of surprising, but it's true.  We get treated as though we're some dumb kid with no experience behind the PC service desk at the local Best Buy.  People get angry with us easily, are absolutely aghast if there is something else that we need to attend to other than their machine, and thrash us like tempermental mules if we happen to make an error.  Just recently I had someone get angry with me because I couldn't come over to see them... I had to get home to spend time with my friends and family... for my birthday!  How dare I?  There also seems to be no appreciation for the fact that we're giving up our free time, usually have travelled to your house to help, etc.

2. Non-PCSFs are totally unaware or unwilling to accept their own responsibility for the problems.  Due to the seeming ease and user-friendliness of computers, people generate a lot of their own problems, and yet rather than be aware of those or be open to PCSFs trying to explain to them why it's an issue so they can avoid it next time, they turn their ire directly on their PCSF... blaming them for their problems and treating them shabbily for it. 

3. You touched it, it's your fault... forever.  Once we have touched the machine for a Non-PCSF, we are forever bound to it, and anything that happens to it is our fault forever and ever, amen.  It could be two years down the road and someone could have plugged a blender into the serial port, but I'll get a call "You know that thing you did to my computer?  Well, yeah, it just burst into flames!!!"

4. Non-PCSFs are totally unaware or unwilling to accept that they must change their ways.  Since you're already going to blame us for everything anyway, we'd like to try to advise you a bit on how to avoid the problem.  That may include you not doing some things like downloading random programs from various websites, not reading all your html-enabled spam mail from Africa, not turning off various protections such as antivirus or spyware protection.  However, Non-PCSFs get all bristly if we suggest that they take these precautions because it's "not as nice" or "ruins their pretty desktop" or "isn't as much fun", etc.  They then either yell at PCSFs, or ignore them, or more often both.  Then when it breaks again 2 months later... well, see point 3.

5. Non-PCSFs expect perfection.  As I mentioned before, these things appear to be pretty simple, but they are not.  There are a lot of little snarly variables, especially when you factor in the various major household appliances that people plug into serial ports and absolutely must have operational.  This means that there will be issues as we go through the process of fixing it, and it won't be right the first time every time.  In fact, especially considering that we really should be getting home to our birthday parties, us PCSFs do occasionally need to run and leave something undone to come back later and resume.  Unacceptable!  Or at least that clearly seems to be the concern from the non-PCSF crowd.

6. Non-hands on experiences are similar.  Even if you ask a PCSF for their advice and thoughts, all of these behaviors still seem to apply forever and ever, amen.  This usually takes more of a substantive form of just acting like we're idiots.  It's as if you asked the auto mechanic how to replace a tire and then told him he's crazy and clearly that's not the way to do it.  Bizarre.

There's probably more, but that's a good sample.

So for me, it's too late. I have this one last person I'm helping, and then aside from helping my father-in-law (who amazingly does none of these things... possibly because he has some experiences with fixing his own machine and knows the complexity), I'm officially done.  No more help for any of you non-PCSFs again.

If, however, you happen to have a PCSF who is stupid enough to offer to assist you, here are some things you can do to help make the experience a positive one for both of you:

1. Bend over backwards to make it easy for your PCSF.  Find a time when is good for him or her.  Ideally working on your machine in your home can be best to ensure all your peripherals and whatnot work, but consider that it may be easier for them if you bring your computer and its various parts to them.  If they do come to your house, try to have a comfortable and quiet environment for them to work in.  Be sensitive to their preferences about screaming kids and pet allergies, etc.

2. Do not plan to do anything other than sit next to your PCSF and be available for them if they need you during the repair process.  The second you get up from your chair and go do something else, your PCSF has suddenly become the hired help.  Certainly anwer the phone and whatnot as you would, but make every point to get right back to your PCSF asap.  Don't leave them alone for more than a few minutes, and if you must, offer to your PCSF to let them go and apologize to them for wasting their time. 

3. Try to have everything you are hoping to have done ready when your PCSF gets there.  Have all of your manuals and software in a nice, neat pile.  Have a printed checklist of problems you have been encountering.  Write down exactly what happens when you perform exactly these steps.  Literally write down the text from error messages on the screen, and if you know how take some screen shots and print them out.  Your PCSF can also tell you how to do this.

4. Prepare yourself for the fact that your PCSF may actually break more than he fixes initially.  PC repair can be an ugly business and there can be a lot of collateral damage.  It's like swinging a chainsaw around in the dark sometimes.  Further prepare yourself for the possibility that your PCSF may have to leave with not everything repaired.  As long as you are nice to them, they will come back.  If there is something that is particularly sensitive and you absolutely must have working before your PCSF leaves, be sure to let him know that before he even comes over to start working.  That may alter when he decides to schedule time to start so that he has more time to be sure that part works.  Even so, understand that computers are a complex unknown, and even that bit that you said has to work, may not.  Again, just prepare yourself. 

5. Do not get visibly angry at your PCSF, ever.  If you genuinely feel everything is gone awry, well... you accept the risk of that the minute you bring your PCSF in.  If you wanted someone you could bark at, bring your PC to Best Buy and leave your friends out of it.  You can ruin a relationship really quickly by barking at the guy who is taking his personal time to help you out.  I guess the general theme here is to try to respect what they are trying to do for you, and treat them within that framework.

6. Cookies never hurt, and sex is even better.  Generally your PCSF won't be asking for any kind of payment.  They're just there to give you a hand and be a good friend, but it never hurts to have some nice cookies or some kind of food around for during or after the process, and a good bout of freaky sex afterwards is an absolutely compelling cake-topper for your PCSF.  You can be sure they'll be happy to be on-call at any time if such is the reward.  Well, unless you're hideous or of a sex that does not interest your PCSF, in which case arranged sex with a hot appropriately sex-ed friend is also very acceptable.  Manage-a-trois for bonus points.

7. Accept advice given.  If your PCSF tells you to (or not to) do something, follow their lead.  Follow it to the letter.  Even if it sucks and makes your environment less fun.  Keep in mind that some of that advice may include potential upgrades.  If you can't afford upgrades, that's fine, but then understand that whatever you want to do, you may not be able to.  That's ok too, just don't get mad at your PCSF because he can't make it work with what you have right now.

I think that may be it.  I hope it helps.  Not that anyone reads this, of course.  :)

Good luck.

So I have a couple quick things to muse over today.

First is when people say they are "done".  Being "done" with something means you are done.  There is nothing left to do.  No remaining issues to address, no 'I's to dot or 'T's to cross... you have completed the task.  You  have ended the arrangement.  You have concluded your business.  You have walked away and need never walk back again.  You are done.

If you say you are done with something, you need to be in a state where you have no remaining issues of any kind whatsoever, or you are not done.  Done is binary.  1 or 0.  True of False.  Yes or No.  There is no "kinda done".  There are no "degrees of done".  Period.

As a manager I run across this issue a lot and I've never understood it.  "I'm done!  I've closed the call!  Well, I still need to do X and Y, but I'm done."  Ummmmmmmmmmmmm... no, you're not really done.  See above.


Second issue for today is speed.

Now, I am a known speed demon.  I drive a relatively fast car and I have a lead foot with an insurance and driving record to prove it. (ugh)  I am, however, not a total retard, so when I drive down the same road every day and I see that the road in question is absolutely crawling with police officers who are clearly "out to get you", I learn very quickly that I need to slow my ass down.

This particular stretch of road I'm referring to is Central Street (Acton) which effectively then transitions to School Street and then Laws Brook (West Concord).  Now all of these roads are bad cop roads, are either 25 or 30 MPH with the tail end of Laws Brook turning down to 20 MPH just as it enters West Concord downtown, but School Street in Acton is the absolute WORST.  It's a windy road with lots of blind patches and I see a cop on that stretch no less than four times a week, so basically your odds of getting nailed there are very high.  (and yes, I've gotten nailed there before)

So the way I've decided to deal with this is basically set my cruise control at 30-32 MPH and stick with it for this entire stretch.

Admittedly, this is suck slow.  I could pretty much tie a rope on the wheel and take a nap if it weren't for the turns.  It's maddening, but it is what it is, and I'm always 2-7 MPH over the posted speed limit, so I'm technically nailable at any time if the cop decides to be an asshole (and trust me, Acton cops are assholes).

Despite this, I invariably wind up with a line of cars behind me, all super annoyed at me for doing this.  Occasionally (like today), I got some tard tailgating me (like maybe 2' away), and a motorcylce behind them veering left and right the entire trip to log his distaste with my speed choice.  I got kinda irked so I slowed down next to a 25MPH sign and pointed to it to make the point, and then I was certain to point out the cop that we drove by a few minutes later... as if to say "See?  Had I let you go, you would have been nailed right here."

I guess maybe in writing this I've given myself the answer.  I should start letting these people fly by, and then I can toot my horn and laugh at the ones that get severely bagged.

It's also mildly entertaining to lock up my brakes just a touch to see how they react.  (My brakes are INSANELY good)  However, probably the best effect will be to let them get nailed, so I guess I will.

Still, I just don't get it.  How stupid.

Ok, back to work...

Have you ever coughed so hard that you got this sorta altered-reality state where you can see, but your brain doesn't seem to be processing the signals right, so it's almost like the stuff isn't really there?  You feel kinda nauseous from the whole thing and yet it's all kind of pleasant?  I get it whenever I have a good enough cold to make me cough hard enough to (likely) squeeze my brain up in the sloshiness it usually happily swims around in.

What's really cool is when this happens in the car when you're driving... and yer kinda like "hmmm, oncoming traffic!  wheee!  i think maybe oncoming traffic would like to say hello to me and my car!  wheeee!!"

Scary shit, man.

My "drunk" mood for this post is the closest I can come to this.  LiveJournal needs to add a "Blieuphnaus" mood.

This tendency for the world to pickup on these silly marketing schemes and "fad" ways of talking about things really drives me wild.

The "web", is not definable by anything more than a collection of content served via servers in a roughly, but not strictly, standardized format consumable by a variety of tools called browsers.

There are some standards which are generally accepted, but the fact is if someone releases a little widget that makes your web browser work like a terminal session to a mainframe, well, that's now a part of the web.  The point of contention here is that Web 2.0 implies some kind of "new release" of the web... an addition of X major components (usually Wikis, "Blogs" (shudder), video, etc.) that somehow make the web a whole new and different thing.

While no one will argue that these particular items appear to be "coming of age" and have all but permeated the "web" at this time, they, like everything on the web, have been a slow and gradual adoption of a technology that has been around for quite a while.

For example, Wikis.  Ironically, I'll link to an article on Wikipedia for some source here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wiki

This shows Wikis coming into existance sometime in the mid-90s.  Not the mid 2000s as would be suggested by "Web 2.0".

"Blogs" are a whole seperate topic that drives me mad.  Again, from Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog

Not only did "blogs" suddenly burst onto the scene as some sort of "Web 2.0" product release, but they've effectively been around as long as cavemen wrote about their exploits on their local cave wall.  I could be a little less pedantic, and at least accept that "blogs" are a form of electronic diary or journal readable by a defined or undefined external audience, but even there... "Blogs" are nothing more than a hokey term for a place to write stuff about what you think online so that others can read it.  BBS forums, newsgroups and even a static HTML page that I update by putting a date at the top of every new entry and just add some more content can all be considered "blogs".  This all became cutesy and fun and got its name when tools such as LiveJournal came on the scene to make it easier to do this, thus affording the opportunity to mouth off to anyone who could connect to AOL.  (yes, myself included, but I daresay I'm a bit more clueful than that.)

Finally, video.

Yes, I'm sure there are other things in "WEB 2.0!! NOW WITH XK-9 ADDED!!!" that I'm missing, but the recent spike available bandwidth, maturization of some entry-level video editing technologies, and the coming of age of sites such as YouTube and MySpace have caused the internet to burst to overflowing with video of just about everything you could imagine.  Well, ok... sure, but I don't think I need to go look up this history of video or the internet to tell you that video has been on computers as long as there have been computers.  This is merely a increase in quality over time... a gradual increase.  I once had a video that was entirely made of ASCII characters that ran on an Apple II.  So now I can watch the game on NESN.  Is it cool?  Sure.  Will it get better?  Yup.  This isn't exciting, people, it's a predictable and steady change over time.  Is it Web 2.0?  I dunno, was it web 2.0 when it was on my Apple II in like 1982?  Get over it.

So, I guess in synopsis to you people who are all giddy over Web 2.0, I'd ask you a few things.

1. What was Web 1.0?  Please define it.
2. Have there been any interim releases of the Web?   Please list them.
3. Who decides what is Web x.xx?
4. Please detail for me what version of the web included Flash?  Dynamic HTML?  ASP?  .NET?  CGI?  XML?

Think about it.

http://apcmag.com/5835/vendors_in_no_rush_to_ditch_xp_for_vista

In short, Microsoft is pushing their OS on you.  Vendors will no longer be able to sell XP with their new systems as early is the first part of 2008.  Sure, Vista has huge compatibility problems.  Sure, it doesn't run games properly.  Sure, it has all kinds of driver issues.  Sure, it's a performance hog, but hey, Microsoft needs to make more money somehow, right?

This is different from most other major MS release in the past in a lot of very critical ways:

1. The OS is effectively unusable performance-wise on a significant amount of pre-existing hardware.
2. The OS has almost no compelling functionality enhancements or improvements that make it worth making the switch.
3. The OS has major incompatibility and driver issues (last time we saw this was really Windows 95).
4. The OS is actually less compatible with older applications, whereas most of their new releases compatibility has improved.  (again last time we saw this much of a dip was Windows 95)
5. The OS is more about being in bed with major media houses and content providers than it is about making the user experience better.  (I hereby rename Windows Vista to Windows DRM+)

My advice to anyone with a PC has consistently been to avoid Vista like the plague.  There's no good reason for it and it causes way more harm than good.  

This is a huge statement coming from me.  I have been a Microsoft booster for years.  I love their products.  I think they work pretty well, and in some cases VERY well.  I think that their standardization of the desktop platform has brought the compute industry nothing but success.  

While they laud themselves as innovators in technology and I tend to laugh that off, their real innovation is more important.  They innovate in integration, standardization and making a complex thing a commodity that we can all pretty easily use and interact with in a very successful way.  That is no small thing.  I'm loathe to make the comparison, but it truly is akin to what Henry Ford did for the automobile.  He didn't invent the automobile, he didn't perfect it really... what he did was perfect a way to make it easy to build, affordable and comparatively easy to maintain.

Microsoft has now fallen completely off even that position of worth.  Unfortunately for them, they are a business and they've managed to continually improve to the point where their products are basically solid.  XP is, in my opinion, an almost perfect operating system.  Yeah, sure security holes and all that rot- whatever.  You have that much of an install base and you're a big target.  Sure, MSFT needs to continue to improve their coding practices and plug up the holes, but if they had just decided to continue to tune and patch XP it would be a usable platform for a great many years to come.  Arguably for the forseeable future. (which is scary to me as a total geek) :)

Now, as a business, they are presented with this problem of  "Oh crap, it doesn't need many changes, but we still need to make money!!!"

So everything they are doing is trying to get a last fast buck out of the consumer in Vista, establish a solid platform to begin their next push (in Vista), and then start holding the compute industry hostage for monthly or yearly fees to use their products.  

This is the Holy Grail of business, of course- if you can get people to pay you yearly fees for your product, you have a continual revenue stream forever.  You don't necessarily have to do much different as long as you can hold the majority and keep collecting checks.  I don't blame them for trying this tactic, but I'm certainly not going to be a part of it if I can avoid it.  I don't buy products just to give money to a vendor I don't believe is pulling their own weight, and I'm going to do whatever possible not to give to a vendor that I think is actually trying to rip people off.  Which is why I say...

Just say No to Vista.  Just say No to Microsoft.

God I can't believe I wrote that.  I guess I should go home and install Linux now.

blech.

As anyone who knows me is aware, I am a ridiculously opinionated soul.  I will often comment (somewhat jokingly) "I am never wont for an opinion on anything."

I develop opinions with alarming speed, even about things I know relatively little about.  The really great thing about my opinions is they are always absolutely amazingly good, and are of significant value to anyone who has the balls to listen to and internalize them.

However, it has come to my attention over the years that while I have the tendency to always want to offer the razor-edge finality of the true and ultimate conclusions on all things, that many people merely cannot handle the awesome reality of the total truth.  Many people, rather inexplicably, ask for my opinions, when in truth all they are really looking for is a "Atta'  boy, go get 'em!" or perhaps a "Yeah, that looks pretty nice but have you considered perhaps using blue?"  These latter folks, when subjected to the sheer might of my thought process, usually turn into little puddles of goo.

In the interest in reducing goo production amongst those who would foolishly ask for my thoughts, when they should know damned well that they don't really want them, I have devised a brush-themed system for selecting the kind of feedback you are looking for.  Please understand that the quality and accuracy of the level of critique selected is the soul responsibility of the selector.  I cannot be held responsible for you getting an "Atta' boy!" and then falling flat on your face in your job interview, if what you really needed was a far more narrow and decisive critique.

Please select your level of information/critique/opinion from the following:

Level 1
Size: 10" (Broad, Roller)
Sample Phrase: "Mmm... yes, very nice."
Honesty Level: None to Minimal
Time Spent: Minimal

This level is really just if you want me to eyeball something and give you a general "Looks great!" with absolutely zero additional content.  At this level, I'm going to examine your subject for a very brief period of maybe 1-3 minutes, and unless I see some glaring thing like "FUCK YOU ASSHOLES!" written in crayon across the top of a resume cover letter, I'm gonna pretty much say "Looks nice!"

Generally speaking you a very safe from being offended at this level, and if you did get offended, then you have some serious friggin' issues and shouldn't be asking anyone for an opinion, let alone me.

In truth, this level is really designed for those of you who have generally low self-esteem and need a booster.  Select this level when you don't really want to hear anything bad whatsoever and want to live in your deluded little world that your originally selected approach was a good one.  

Level 2
Size: 4" (Fairly Broad, Exterior Housepain Brush)
Sample Phrase: "Hey nice... have you considered omitting the picture of the dude throwing up?"
Honesty Level: Minimal to Low
Time Spent: Little

This level is for those of you who might want to hear something bad, but fear to the gods that I might go into any level of detail.  At this level I'm going to catch and point out egregious errors (yes, errors), and probably point out significant defects in your overall approach or theme.  I won't generally look at everything, but will search for tendencies or maybe some "red flags" that may suggest certain tendencies.

At this level you are fairly safe from being offended as I'm generally going to do my best to side-step an issue that I think is touchy to err on the side of keeping you safely cocooned in your world of thinking your stuff is great.

This is often a great level for rough drafts and mockups, as it may give you a sense of direction without being subjected to pages of abuse on why you selected a particular cute catch phrase to simply hold a position for a thought you plan to develop later.

Level 3
Size: 2" (Rough, Interior Cut-in Brush)
Sample Phrase: "This is a good start, but I would suggest the following..."
Honestly Level: Medium
Time Spent: Some

This level is for those of you who are just beginning to appreciate the awesomeness of my critical prowess.  Those of you who are genuinely concerned about getting in relatively close with The Russo Model of Success.  (You think I'm joking here, don't you?  HA!  Fools!)  At this level I will probably go over about 1/2 of your materials with the intention of making a single good pass.  I will provide some general suggestions as well as a little of the theory behind those suggestions.  I will cite general trends and I may even speak to you a bit about what the material says about you as a person and how you may want to adjust that if you were looking for something different.  Here is the first level will you will start to benefit from my understanding of people's perceptions and how this will really play out.

Here is where you are going to start to risk having your pride being poked a bit.  I'm probably going to dance gently around topics that I think may offend you, but I'm probably not going to let you get away without at least discussing them, and I'll likely suggest that some of those things could be done a touch differently to avoid this or that.

This is a great level for when you think you are relatively close to your conclusion and you have already spoken with me previously and selected level 2.  If you have not selected Level 2 previously and you jump right into this one, you are likely in for a bit of a shock.  That is, however, far better than going straight to level 4 or 5, as that can often be the goo-inducing move I mentioned previously.

Level 4
Size: 1" (Fine, Interior Finish Work Brush)
Sample Phrase: "Now take that feedback and make some changes and we'll discuss again in a couple days..."
Honesty Level: High
Time Spent: More

This is a level for those of you without a heart condition.  YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS TALL TO RIDE THIS RIDE, BITCH.

This level is intended exclusively for those who are ready to bear it all; someone who wants a full critique with essentially no hold-backs whatsoever on content and delivery of your to-be-critiqued item.  At this level I will genuinely investigate each and every portion of your item to be judged and will likely make a list of notations to discuss with you.  Often this level will involve a phone call to discuss the materials, and usually I will suggest that you update the work based upon the feedback and come to me with a second (and if you really are being obstinate) third review.  It is around this level where it is generally best to give yourself up to the understanding that I'm truly correct and just kinda go with it.  A partial acceptance of The Chris Russo Model of Success it not a partial success... it is a sheer and utter failure.  Weakest link in the chain and all that.  Snap to!

It is at this level that you will get not only my thoughts on why your item is failing, but the theories (facts!) behind that, and multiple suggestions on how to address it.  You will likely want to discuss these things in better detail, and I will ask you on numerous occasions if you understand my meaning, and expect you to articulate back to me that you do.  You may choose to debate a point with me, and in fact, I suggest that you do that often as it will further your understanding of why you are so severely off-track.

This is where i will be very honest with you, will not mince words if I think you may be offended, etc.  I will not dance around things.  At most, I may say "This may be a bit hard to hear, but..."  Get ready.  This is not a smooth ride.  You may well be offended.  Tough.  Swallow your pride and listen closely.  Taking offense at something often means I've struck a nerve where you know damned well I'm right and your defense mechanisms are kicking in.  I'm not a psychologist, I'm an engineer.  Get over it and let's review the facts.

Level 5
Size: 1/xxx"(Paint the eyes on my 1.5" tall Warhammer Ork Stormboy)
Sample Phrase: "In our next session..."
Honesty Level: Total
Time Spent: Lots

Simply stated, this is getting into a consultancy style relationship.  We are engaging in a partnership to ensure your total absolution in The Chris Russo Model of Success.  This is a paid affair and rates are reasonable (relatively speaking... I mean seriously, you're buying perfection here, and that doesn't come cheap!)


Those are the levels.

Please make your selection after the tone. :-)

So I get this call today from some woman from ADP.  She leaves a voicemail on my work extension saying that there is a serious issue with our payroll taxes or some such and that I need to call her back.

Now, I'm an IT manager... it's pretty clear from the way this woman is talking that she is looking for someone from payroll or accounting or something... not the guy that keeps the servers running, right?  Right.

Whatever, I forward it on to HR and go on with my life.

Later on I get another call from this woman- urgent now, saying she needs to talk to me right away and demanding an immediate callback.  I figure, "Ok, clearly still confused, but I owe it to my company to follow up and at least tell this woman that she's lost."

So I call her up and speak with her a bit, we sort out that she has the wrong person and that I'm not going to be able to help her.  So she asks for the person responsible.  I'm like "Honestly, lady, I have no idea.  I'm brand new.  I wouldn't even know where to point you."  So she says that she's looking for someone named "Mary Blaine".

I'm like "out of the two times you called and left me a voicemail, did it never occur to you that Mary Blaine probably wasn't a man, and certainly wasn't the man who's voicemail clearly indicated that his name was John Smith?" (John Smith is not my name, but neither is Mary Blaine.)

I've always found this behavior maddening.  I get it at home too.  Our answering machine at home clearly says in my wife's voice 'Hi you have reached the Smith residence, John and Marsha are not presently here right now.  Please leave a message!"  Invariably I get some message like "HEY CAROL!  How are you?  Good to see you yesterday!  Give me a call back asap though because I got a serious disease that will kill your whole family if you don't get innoculated in 2 hours!"

Invariably this retard also leaves no call-back number, which would enable me to call them back and communicate their seemingly obvious error to them.

Oh well.  I guess their friend died.  I wonder if natural selection applies to people who choose morons for friends, as opposed to being a moron themself.